Learning How to Forgive

Sarah Radcliff

Comm-1080

Salt Lake Community College

 

 

Overview

The most important concept that was relative to me that I learned in this class was the concept and theory of forgiveness. I learned what it means to forgive a person; and when forgiveness is necessary. I learned the stages of forgiveness and was able to apply them to my own personal situations. Most importantly, I learned the health benefits and advantages of forgiveness and how to go about forgiving someone who has hurt you in the past. My personal experiences with forgiveness have not been easy. My home-life when I was growing up was violent, abusive, manipulative, and frankly embarrassing. It has taken me most of my adult life to find an understanding of forgiveness and how I should go about forgiving my parents for the situations I was put in as a child, teenager, and as a young adult. This lesson helped me understand what stage I am at in the process and what steps I can take next to complete the process of forgiving them.

 

Theory/Concept

Forgiveness is a key concept in positive communication. Forgiveness, in a conflict management scenario, can be described as the act or process of letting go of anger or resentment towards someone that has committed a relational transgression against a person (Merriam-Webster, 2017). A relational transgression is described in the course reading as extremely problematic situations in which core rules of a relationship are violated, leaving high emotional residues (Annabelle, 2014). When evaluating forgiveness, understanding core rules of a relationship is pertinent. Core rules are ways in which we believe we should behave towards others, and behavior that we feel should be reciprocated. When these core values are violated, a relational transgression occurs. When a relational transgression occurs, there are several steps that most humans must follow in order to begin the process of forgiving a person for the transgression. Lewis B. Smedes, a scholar of the forgiveness theory and concept, believes that before a person can forgive, they must go through four stages of forgiveness: Hurt, Hate, Healing, and Coming Together (Annabelle, 2014). This process makes one understand that the process of forgiveness can sometimes take time. According to researchers, this process, though long and sometimes grueling, is worth it. Forgiveness has been linked to many cognitive advantages, as well as physical advantages. Some cognitive advantages include relief from anxiety and depression, improved self-esteem, improved self-efficacy, improved feelings of self-worth, and improved feelings of hope. Physical advantages to forgiveness includes less physical pain, better sleep, and improved cardiovascular health, such as healthier blood-pressure (Annabelle, 2014).  In order to forgive, the chapter text outlines a series of steps in which a person must understand before being able to forgive and heal from the relational transgression. These steps include the following: Apologizing, accepting an apology, understanding that forgiveness does not have to be communicated, transforming the relationship, and confirming forgiveness based on actions (Annabelle, 2014).

 

 

Analysis

Since reaching adulthood, I have had an everyday struggle with forgiveness. I struggle to forgive my parents. I grew up in a violent home. My parents were both addicts and regularly physically and mentally abused each other. Though my parents never physically abused me, the mental abuse and manipulation I was put through is evident. I have a hard time trusting people. I am considered to be cynical and skeptical of most people and their intentions. This shows me that I have yet to forgive my parents, as I cannot let go of how I was treated by them. Because my parents treated me in this way, I regularly assume that others have the same motive: manipulate to get what you want. Through this lesson, I learned that I am in the “hate” stage of forgiveness, and hopefully, moving into the healing process. I have no contact with my mother, and limited contact with my father. As they are both still in the abusive relationship, I simply can’t put my mental health at risk to be used as a tool by them against each other. I chose to remove myself from the situation as a whole in order to preserve my own mental health and clarity. Through this lesson, I have learned that I do want to forgive my parents for my own health. I want to have peace. I am happy to find out that this forgiveness does not have to be communicated, rather that I can find peace in the situation and forgive them from a distance. It is hard to communicate with them, because I am so accustomed to the unfair treatment that they have displayed towards me throughout my life. I know now that it is important for my health to forgive them for their actions, however, it is still okay to love and forgive from a distance. This is what I plan to do until I feel that it is safe for my health to continue a communicative relationship with them.

 

Reflection

Throughout this lesson, I learned the importance of forgiveness for one’s own mental and physical health. I learned that forgiveness does not necessarily have to be to preserve or salvage a relationship. You can forgive a person without carrying on a relationship with them if the relationship is not healthy for you. I find comfort in knowing that one day I will find peace with my parents, whether I decide to have a relationship with them in the future or not. Forgiveness does not mean continuing a relationship. Forgiveness simply means letting go. I think this will make it easier for me to forgive in the future as well. This lesson also taught me what is deserving to be seen as trivial, and which events in your personal life that need to be addressed and forgiven.

 

References

Annabelle, D. D. (2014). Managing Conflict Through Communication. New Jersey: Pearson Education.

Merriam-Webster. (2017). Merriam-Webster's Dictionary. Boston: Merriam-Webster.